When I was 10 years old, I didn't have it figured out. I looked at the world with awe, wonder and imagination, and tried to understand, exactly, what my role was and where I fit in. I had a difficult time adjusting in school, as my mind would wander out of the classroom windows into roadtrips in my mind; imagining moments of triumph and victory, and being hailed as a hero. The smartest. The fastest. The best. I was the champion of my own mind. When I was 10, I didn't have it figured out.
When I was 20, I didn't have it figured out. I was supposed to know by this point the direction of my entire life, and although I had an idea or two, they were nothing more than complete guesses. I was getting by in the jobs that I had, and with the schooling that I was going through, but the life that I was destined to live still lay before me. They were baby steps, but I was moving in the right direction.
When I was 30, I realized that I knew even less than I did when I was 20. Smarter and wiser, maybe, but the realization was setting in that all of my planning done to that point in my life hadn't reached the fruition that I had expected. By 30, I was supposed to be wealthy (according to the plan). I was supposed to have been adored, admired and respected in the community; leading my city and neighborhood into a better future. When I was 30, I began to realize that I didn't have it all figured out.
When I was 40, and was well into the raising of my family, there were constant reminders of how much I had left to figure out. Sometimes, the struggle of getting through the schedule of the day, or the payment of bills, or the management of time, or the responsibilities of raising a family. . .what happened to the plan? Where are the statues and the millions of dollars that I was supposed to have? Where was that key to the city? When I was 40, I didn't have it figured out.
I recently turned 52, and guess what? I think that I understand even LESS than what I had thought.
I'm coming to the understanding, slowly, that I don't think that we're SUPPOSED to know what it's all about. None of us are at the point in our lives that we imagined, and hindsight shows us how far off the mark we are from those targets that we created in our youth. So far from where we thought that we'd be, and so distant from what we had imagined. . .
. . .and so much better.
I'm glad that I was wrong, and am honored to be where I am. I have a fantastic, artistic, creative and quirky family, and lifelong friends that always make me feel special and valued. I need no statues, or keys to the city, and the relationships that I have are worth so much more than those millions of dollars. As creative as I'd like to think that my brain is, I had never imagined how important that would be.
I'm 50, and don't have it figured out. . .and am completely okay with that. Merry Christmas, and enjoy your journey!